A Bit Of Funny Advice For New Parents
There are some pretty crazy and funny ways your life changes having kids, especially for first-time parents. Actually, strap in for the ride of your life because big things are about to change. The adjustment to parenthood is real and a big deal.
Some things you experience are amazingly sweet and will melt your heart entirely. Others are just downright comical!
I’m going to try to cover all the bases here and hopefully give you a little chuckle along the way. If there’s one thing I’ve learned so far as a parent and enjoying parenthood, it’s an absolute must to keep your sense of humor about you.
Life is funny and kids are weird.
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10 Brutally Honest & (mostly) Funny Ways Life Changes Having Kids
#1 Bid Your Modesty Adieu
Let’s talk labor and delivery. Childbirth will pretty much strip all your modesty away. Even if you are normally a shy person, you might be less so when the baby is coming.
All the nurses and doctors cruising around you, making small talk as you lie spread eagle getting yet another internal check to see how many centimeters you are dilated is pretty much standard.
And since I AM being brutally honest here, after a time you probably won’t even care if the Ubereats driver pops in to deliver them lunch. All the while your nether regions are fully exposed. Modesty pretty much goes out the window at this point.
You’re well on your way at this point to learning how becoming a mom changes you. The number one thing on that day is the safe delivery of your little one, not who is looking at your lady bits.
We did IVF, so I got so used to being naked from the waist down, covered only by a little flannel sheet and poked and prodded almost daily that it was ridiculous. It’s weird but somehow I just got used to that whole scene.
#2 New Mom Feelings Come Rushing In
As a first-time parent, you might jokingly say to yourself, “OK, the baby is here…where’s the instruction manual??” Maybe a road map would help? You may feel a little lost, the first time around or if it’s been a long time between kids.
I think we new moms and dads all just learn on the job and hope like mad that we don’t screw up too much.
That overwhelming feeling that you are completely and utterly responsible for the well-being of this tiny little human can be a tad frightening. I remember a particularly rough night with my son when he was a newborn. He was crying, I was crying. I looked at my husband and said,” Oh My God, Maybe I’m just not cut out for this, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???”
I was just a hot mess (thanks hormones). God bless him, he just looked at me and said, “Babe, you got this, you’re a rock star”. Even though as I mentioned, I did not feel like the least bit rock starrish.
You just have to ride it out, and realize, we are all learning on the job! Read parenting articles, reach out to friends for support and tips, and take it day by day.
You’ll have great mom days, crappy mom days, and everywhere in between and that’s fine.
Gather the best information and new parent advice you can out there. But remember to take it all with a grain of salt as you research because what works for one baby may not work for another. Funny things, these little humans with their individual personalities, likes, and dislikes!
#3 Your Gross-Out Tolerance Becomes Sky High
New parents sometimes have a rude awakening when it comes to let’s say…the grosser side of taking care of tiny humans. You knew this was coming but now you’re in the thick of it. You’ll get peed, pooped and spit up upon daily.
You may be covered in breast milk, formula, or squash puree some days and not even care.
After a while, you lose track of how many stinky, dirty diapers you change, and talking about said bodily fluids doesn’t even make you bat an eye. And there’s the ever-popular game you will play called “Is It POOP OR CHOCOLATE?” Hope for chocolate every time, but sometimes you lose.
I honestly feel bad for those who have a really bad gag reflex or weak stomachs and if that’s you, hang in there and know that it won’t be forever. It’s just a part of the current job.
You will wash your hands a million times a day (remember to moisturize!) but might get by on washing your hair a couple of times a week. Dry shampoo can be a great friend.
Toddlerhood brings on even more fun grossness, and you’ll catch yourself saying “Don’t wipe that booger on the couch” or “Get your hand out of your bum” more times than you can count. Yep, life changes after having kids, and man, some of it is pure comedy gold. Keeping your sense of humor will go a long way to preserve your sanity.
#4 Why Can’t I Keep My House Clean With Kids??
See the above photo? That will not be your kitchen counter. Most days, anyhow. This was taken the day our backsplash was finished being installed. Note the lack of baby bottles, dishes and assorted nonsense on the countertop. I am the first one to admit, that I can’t keep my house perfectly clean at all times.
Now neat freaks will be exempt from this one but for the majority of us who are just trying to pull it together most days, you’ll be surprised at what you can let slide. Probably because your priorities change.
If you have to prioritize between cleaning/decluttering something or attending to your newborn, you’re getting your baby what they need. Your house may be temporarily a little more messy and cluttered, it just comes with the territory. Babies came with a lot of gear! If you have a smaller home as we do, the toys and other baby stuff can pile up kind of quickly but it’s all good.
I try to keep the bathroom as clean as possible, and I’ve developed a few good habits like running the dishwasher every night so I can wake up to a clean kitchen but I am a work in progress. I try to keep the floors swept but mopping doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.
You will come to learn that kids are “stuff” magnets and that’s the way it is.
But don’t despair, your house won’t always be littered with a billion toys, and you may even look back on it nostalgically when the kids are grown.
#5 New Parents Sleep Deprivation
For parents of newborns, handling sleep exhaustion is one of the biggest adjustments to parenthood.
As a new parent, you will be bone-tired. Lack of sleep or broken sleep becomes your temporary new normal…the sooner you accept this the better. When your friends who don’t have kids say they are tired you will laugh and laugh and laugh.
Those early days and weeks were the hardest for me and, to be honest, the only thing I can compare the foggy brain feeling to is working the midnight shift.
You will actually function at a level of tiredness you never knew existed prior to having a kid. Now I am considered an “older mom” ( I had my son at 46) so maybe it was worse for me, but somehow I think when it comes to sleep deprivation, it hits us all regardless of age.
You will actually be shocked that you can get through weeks on end while in zombie Mom (and Dad) mode.
Take heart and know that babies eventually sleep through the night but it varies as to when you will be granted this luxury.
Apparently we humans were built for this, but let me tell you one…the first time you get a solid 6 hours of sleep after bringing home baby, you will cry for joy and feel like a million bucks. You will also probably jump up in a panic thinking “OH MY GOD, Where’s The Baby”??!!
#6 Sex Life After Baby
Your sex life changes after having a baby at least for a while. That’s pretty much a given and the extent of the changes varies from couple to couple.
I won’t go into too much detail on this one but let’s just say no more swinging from the chandeliers and having sex in every room in the house for a bit (if you were doing those things before).
For women, between your body recovering from delivery, your hormones being all over the place, and your new parent sleep deprivation it takes a bit before intimacy takes a front seat again. You and your partner may have to settle for quickies when you can manage or have the energy.
And please don’t fall asleep in the middle of it if the mood arises (see #5).
#7 It’s Hard To Get Out The Door On Time With Kids
Remember when you used to grab your keys and walk out the door, a tiny cute purse slung over your shoulder? Those days are gone my friend. Did I mention that life changes having kids?
Having little people in tow brings its own set of challenges. Situations arise and as previously mentioned, babies have a lot of gear. You’ll get used to it though, don’t worry. Just take it in stride as best you can. Get in the habit of allowing yourself ample extra time to leave the house or perhaps consider using an out-the-door checklist.
You’ll be loading and lugging that huge ass diaper bag with every baby supply known to mankind for a good while. Because, as I pointed out earlier, you really don’t have a clue exactly WHAT to bring, so you bring EVERYTHING.
Granted, you’ll be given some leeway and usually met with some empathy when you do show up late, especially by anyone who has kids themselves… so, that’s kinda nice.
By the time your kids are in the full swing of toddlerhood, you will have it down pat, always leaving yourself a good half hour window before “go time”. Inevitably though, from time to time, your kid will have to poop right as you are walking out the door. Murphy’s Law.
Last-minute potty emergencies happen, what can you do but roll with it?
#8 You’ll Give Up Some Personal Space
Currently, we are in the toddler zone around here, and we have a very spirited little boy! Some days it’s a little like a UFC match. Boy moms, do ya feel me?
We have had fingers up our noses and in our ears.
We’ve been head-butted and kicked in the face during snuggle time.
My glasses have been broken. Whoopsie.
My husband has had his privates stepped on numerous times. Ouchie.
Our little guy just likes to get right up on us and make his presence known. We call him a little Bouvier sometimes because he likes to lean in on us just like that breed of dog is known for. The personal space thing doesn’t phase me much because I’m a touchy-feely type of person.
I love that he loves being so close to us and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I can’t speak for my husband’s privates, however.
#9 You Will Turn Into Your Parents
One million percent, as a parent, you will catch yourself saying some of the same things your Mom and Dad said to you your whole life. The first few times it happens it might even catch you off guard as you think, wow…where have I heard that before?
Things like “Your face will freeze like that!” or “Don’t make me come in there!” will roll off your tongue like nobody’s business.
I guess it makes sense though because we are all a product of our upbringing and certain catchphrases are engrained in our memories from childhood!
I can only imagine the lines that will resurface from my memory when we hit the teenage years. For sure I’ve already given him “the look” (eyebrows raised, peering over the glasses) that my Mom used to give me and her mom gave her. That on has definitely been passed down for generations in my family.
Speaking of parents, that brings me to my last point…
#10 You Will Know How Much Your Parents Love You
I’ve saved the best for last. From the moment you hold this tiny hand in yours, and kiss those baby toes, your life is forever changed. The most amazing gift in the world is yours. The love you feel for this tiny human will be so incredibly powerful. If you are fortunate enough to have a close relationship with your parents it will make you realize just how deeply they love you. This is by far the biggest way that your life changes having kids.
I know I have been poking fun at most things and I truly believe in and appreciate the humor in this change of lifestyle but here’s the thing…
When you become a parent, it is a love so pure and unconditional that nothing can match it. Not even the love for your own family or spouse. Your child’s heart is your heart, the bond is strong and beyond compare.
It will make you realize how much your own parents love you and that every sacrifice they made for you was the ultimate gift that made you the person you are today.
So, if your parents are still with us, please tell them how much you love them and appreciate all they did and maybe STILL do for you. After all, YOU were the crazy kid sticking your fingers up THEIR noses when you were two.
What about you? What are some of the things that changed for you after having kids? If you have some funny or sweet advice to share, drop a comment below!
Until next time, K.
Kelly Blakely is the founder and creative force behind Just Our View From Here. As a first-time mom over 40, she brings a fresh perspective to parenting and family life on her blog. Kelly also explores a wide range of lifestyle topics in her writing, including fashion, beauty, self-care, and well-being.
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Awesome article, kids really do change our lives in a lot of ways but they are also just so damn cute doing it.
I feel the house cleanliness one the most – it’s so embarrassing when people just drop by. There is no hope of cleaning the kids’ messes in 30 minutes. It’s just going to be what it is.
Oh for sure! I don’t even really get embarrased anymore…Our house is clean enough but also has that REALLY “lived in” look. Ha Ha. I feel like one day all the toys and clutter will be gone and I will miss him being little…I’m a super nostalgic person so ya, in a weird way, I will miss the wonderful messiness of it all. I just checked out your article on parenting quotes and you have some fantastic ones in there! ““Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.” is one of my faves. 🙂