Ah, motherhood. The joys, the experience, the responsibility…the mom guilt. From the moment the doctor places that tiny bundle in your arms, everything changes including how you view yourself.
This tiny, precious baby is relying on you for absolutely everything 24/7 and it is perfectly natural for you to feel overwhelmed and to strive to do everything perfectly.
And as soon as you feel you aren’t…BAM! There it is, that feeling of self-doubt that creeps in and tries to steal your sunshine. Don’t let it! Letting go of that guilt is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for your children!
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What Is Mom Guilt Anyway?
When I was a kid, I think my definition of Mom guilt, had I ever pondered would have been: When you do something wrong and your Mom gives you the “look” or says “Your Father and I are very disappointed in your behavior.” To me, that was the worst punishment ever.
But we are talking about a different animal altogether.
Mom guilt is that feeling of guilt, uncertainty, and self-doubt experienced by mothers when they worry that they are just not good enough, failing at being a mom, and disappointing everyone including themselves.
Every Mom Feels Mom Guilt To Some Degree But We Need To Let It Go!
I think it’s safe to say that every mom goes through it and feels it to some degree. In particular for new and first-time moms when some days you don’t know which end is up through your sleep-deprived, haze. It is completely normal, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.
And hanging onto it is certainly not healthy for your mental and emotional well-being. Letting go of mom guilt will actually set you free to be a better mom and enjoy motherhood a whole lot more.
Always Remember…Tomorrow Is A Brand New Day
Some days you will be on top of it and everything will go swimmingly, and some days chaos will reign. Yes, some days (especially during the toddler years) the monkeys will run the circus. And that’s ok. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back in the saddle tomorrow.
New Mom Guilt
Struggling with new mom guilt is very common. You are facing so many new challenges on a daily basis and having fears that you never knew existed until you brought home a brand-new baby. You may feel like you don’t know what you’re doing but remember, you are learning on the job and only beginning your motherhood journey.
Mom guilt may rear its ugly head in those early days, but don’t let it get the better of you. The thing you must realize Mama is that you are doing better than you think you are. Just because you are feeling it, doesn’t mean you have to let it take you over. Feel it, take a deep breath and then…let it go.
I remember being so nervous on my first day alone with the baby after my husband went back to work and my sister had flown back home to Florida. All the scenarios played out in my head and just kept hoping I wouldn’t screw something up.
The fact that I was an “Older Mom” didn’t make a bit of difference either. (I had my son at 46). I had the same feelings of insecurity and the same worries as any new mom.
But honestly, the anticipation of it was worse than the reality. Everything went fine, nothing bad happened, and as the day went on I thought…hey, I actually got this!
Possibly not all new moms feel this, particularly those who have experience with babies from their pre-mom days. I had none. I babysat a bit when I was a teenager, but mostly older kids, I could count on one hand the number of diapers that I changed. So for me, it was a whole new world.
Trust Your Instincts
Somehow instinct kicks in though. And yours will too. Just take a deep breath and relax. You got this. It takes time to transition into your new role as a mom, so be gentle with yourself.
As a new mom, I had trouble breastfeeding my son. I was so naive and thought it would be a piece of cake. But it’s not easy for everyone! Oh, that sneaky little monster called mom guilt tried to grab me then.
But once I came to terms with it I realized that I was doing the best I could and that even though I had to turn to pumping exclusively, I was absolutely not failing him as a mom. I let myself have the feeling briefly, thought it over, and kicked that guilt to the curb.
Reach Out To Other Moms
It’s always a great idea though, to have a support person on speed dial if you need a hand or just an ear to bend. Whether it be your sister, a mommy friend who’s been there done that, your mom or mother-in-law.
Join mommy groups, whether online or in your community to find like-minded new moms who are facing some of the same challenges as you Having a support system in place can do wonders while you are figuring out your new role as “Mommy”.
Just knowing that you really aren’t alone with your new mom struggles during those first weeks can help you enjoy the moments more. And there really is nothing like those newborn moments. Soak it all in, those wonderful little snuggles are more precious than gold.
Stay At Home Mom Guilt
Stay at home moms may feel like they are being judged by others for not contributing to society, or that they are being judged by their mom friends who do work outside the home.
People may seem envious and say things like “You’re sooo lucky! You get to stay home with your kids all day!” On the other hand, they may actually seem perplexed and ask you “What do you do all day??”
SAHM’s might feel guilty because they aren’t contributing to the household with an actual income, but with the cost of childcare these days, just do the math! And trust me, you are earning your keep.
Being A Stay At Home Mom IS A Job
Running a household IS a job. One where you must wear many hats…teacher, housekeeper, chef, taxi driver, bookkeeper, personal shopper, interior designer, and keeper of the peace. Not to mention head doctor, nurse, and the all-important kisser of the boo-boos!
Especially with preschool-aged kids, just figure out what you would be making even at minimum wage, working 12 hours a day on average, but being on call pretty much 24/7, 7 days a week.
Ok minus those few hours a week that you may go to the hair salon or get your nails done or do something else nice for yourself. And don’t EVER feel guilty for that”Me time.” You deserve it!
So let’s do the math real quick. Our current provincial minimum wage is around $15/hour. 12 hours per day X 7 days =84 84X15=$1260 1260X52=$65,520
That’s an annual income of $65,520. And that’s a conservative estimate!
Honestly, just because you aren’t punching a clock or contributing to a company pension plan doesn’t mean that you’re not working. Do not for one single, solitary moment tell yourself that you don’t work.
And please, NEVER EVER say “I’m just a stay at home Mom” when people ask you what you do. Show yourself some love and the respect that you deserve!
Working Mom Guilt
There are two camps in this scenario. First off, the moms who really want to stay home with kids but for whatever reason, that is not financially possible. Secondly, are the moms who cannot wait to get back to work. Mom guilt can hit hard in both cases.
Moms Who HAVE To Go Back To Work
If you have no choice but to go back to work because your family needs the income, it can be rough. Let’s say for example that you are a production worker at an automotive assembly plant.
Your company pays you $30/hr, premiums for overtime and shift work, provides a full pension plan and has amazing health benefits. Even though you are not exactly passionate about the job, you do need it because ultimately it’s stable for your family.
Financially, it just makes sense for your family.
You are being the most responsible adult out there and yet you may feel guilty about the time you spend away from your kids.
If you are a single mom, the same thing goes, and hats off to you! Doing the job of two parents as one person deserves all the accolades!
Moms Who WANT To Go Back To Work
A happy mother is a good mother, and if work makes you hum, your whole family sings along.’
~Sharon Meers and Joanna Srober, authors of Getting to 50/50
On the other side of the coin, perhaps you are very driven and passionate about your career. You CAN’T WAIT to get back to work. After all, you were a whole person before you had your baby right?
You are the mom who loves your job, co-workers, and work environment. Your success in your field is something that provides you with incredible fulfillment and self-esteem. Your passion for your career fuels you as a person, what’s wrong with that?
NOTHING!
In both instances, you can still be a terrific mom and role model for your kids. You can love and nurture your children, and raise them to be wonderful little humans! Even though you spend some time away from them due to work, they will still thrive. Make the time you do spend with them extra special, look for ways to bond and seek quality time. One day, your children will see what a superstar you were when they were little, balancing a rewarding career with motherhood.
Maybe Working From Home Will Work For Your Family
The amount of people working from home has sky-rocketed since the pandemic and some moms find it is an excellent way to balance motherhood and employment. A lot of these work-from-home opportunities allow you to work flexible hours so you can find that balance you need as a mom. As a writer, I love working from home!
If you are a stay-at-home mom looking for a part-time remote job to combine with motherhood, you should check out Jooble!
Jooble is an international job-finding website that was created in 2006 and has now expanded to more than 70 countries, including Canada. They accumulate all kinds of local and remote job opportunities, then store and display them all in one database. It makes it super easy to search for a job that you can do from the comfort of your own home.
Working moms with careers outside the home or who work from home are always trying to juggle a million things at once and strive for some type of balance. The strength of such women never ceases to amaze and inspire me.
So How Do We Ditch The Mom Guilt?
Be Present With Your Children
Be present with your kids, engage them, and do fun things on the weekends or whenever you have the time off. Turn off the technology. Take an extra day off from time to time to do something special. It could be as simple as going out for ice cream or to the playground.
Surprise your little ones by picking them up early from daycare and go make a memory. And speaking of daycare, be diligent and do your research if you choose to enroll your toddler. Find the one that best suits your needs and values as a family.
If you are confident that your child is in a great daycare facility where they are learning and developing social skills, your burden of guilt will lessen considerably.
‘I’ve yet to be on a campus where most women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career. I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing.’
~Gloria Steinem, feminist and writer
Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Moms
Do you know that “perfect” mom down the street or the one you see at your daughter’s dance class? Don’t go comparing yourself to her. How about on social media? Do you find yourself wondering how those perfect mamas have it all together? They most likely don’t because we are all just doing our best and some days are better than others. That’s just life.
Do you honestly believe that all the Instamoms out there have their s#!t together 100% of the time, that they never have those overwhelming moments when their toddler is melting down, their baby is screaming and they feel as though they are at their wit’s end?
Not once have they ever had mountains of laundry piled up, a sink full of dishes, and a dirty litterbox to clean, and their houses are spotless every, single day, right? They never have good old mom guilt right??
Don’t fool yourself by buying into that. We all put our best face forward on social media and there is nothing wrong with that! We all do it but it’s not the complete reality. An Insta post is a snapshot of a life, a filtered flash in time, and the capture of a seemingly perfect moment.
The Terrible Twos And Other Stages Of Kidhood
Embrace The Perfectly Imperfect Moments
‘The fastest way to break the cycle of perfectionism and become a fearless mother is to give up the idea of doing it perfectly – indeed to embrace uncertainty and imperfection.’
~Arianna Huffington, author and businesswoman
Sometimes, I will post a photo of Bug and afterward realize that my living room looks pretty trashed in the background. But you know what? I don’t really care and remind myself that’s just keepin’ it real. If someone wants to judge me for it, that’s their business.
Basically, the point is that NO ONE is the perfect mom, even if they seem to be from a distance. You’ve heard that old expression “you never know what goes on behind closed doors”. That’s the truth.
Let go of the mom guilt that stems from comparing yourselves to other moms because it’s just an illusion. Just realize that we all have moments where we are stretched too thin or feel like we are failing. Yep, even those perfect Instamoms are only human, just like you.
Stop Judging Yourself So Harshly
I mean it. Just stop. You are doing a great job mom and you are definitely mom enough!
Have you ever seen the meme that says “We can’t all look good at the same time. It’s either, me, the kids, or the house”? That one cracks me up because it’s so true for me. Maybe you feel this way too somedays. And you can bet your bottom dollar that so does that other mom you just passed by in the grocery store, toddler in tow.
So, the next time you catch yourself thinking “Oh my God, I am a terrible mom because I forgot to or I didn’t __________. (Fill In The Blank)…ask yourself this. Would you say it to a friend? Probably not, so just be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. You are doing just fine, thank you very much!
We all need to stick together on this one! Reserve judgment on yourself AND on others. There is no one perfect way to parent or to be a mom. And as life unravels you will find your way to the parenting and “momming” style that works best for you and your family.
Bad Moments Don’t Make Bad Moms
If you are a mom, you are a superhero. Period.’
~Rosie Pope, entrepreneur
The mere fact that you feel like you might be doing a bad job, actually makes you a good mom. A little hard to wrap your head around right? But it’s the fact that you care so much, so deeply, and worry that means you are their Supermom. You nourish, you provide, protect and comfort.
When they are small, you are their playmate, their teacher, their nurse, and their safe place. In your little one’s eyes, you are their amazing superhero and their whole world. (I know no pressure right.) And as they grow, you will become their mentor, confidante, and their biggest cheerleader.
It’s normal and natural to have worries along the way but don’t let that mom guilt get the better of you. You are doing just fine.
Quit Beating Yourself Up Mom, You Got This!
All moms feel it sometimes to some degree. Whether you are staying at home with your kids or working outside the home, there is a good chance that some days you just don’t feel up to par.
Of course, there will be days when you doubt yourself. It merely comes with the territory. Sometimes you will feel frazzled and stretched a bit too thin.
Dinner won’t get made some nights and you will decide to order takeout or hit the drive-thru. Maybe the housework is not at the top of your priority list and you hire a cleaning lady to come in twice a month.
Quit beating yourself up, it’s not worth the negative energy. As women and moms, we sometimes just feel things so deeply and all that means is that we have such huge hearts, especially when it comes to our children. It’s natural and it is admirable.
We want to do our best by them every damn minute, but please give yourself some grace. If you are feeling stressed or sad, it’s ok to shed a tear or two over it.
Let go of mom guilt, it doesn’t serve you well. Acknowledge your feelings and then move on with confidence that you are doing the best you can.
You are a beautiful, capable mom; in your children’s eyes, you are a superhero. They love you wholeheartedly and unconditionally, even on the days when you don’t feel like loving yourself. Always remember that.
You May Also Like: 10 Ways To Cope With Mommy Burnout!
Peace, Kelly
Kelly is the founder and creative force behind Just Our View From Here. As a first-time mom over 40, she brings a fresh perspective to parenting and family life on her blog. Kelly also explores a wide range of lifestyle topics in her writing, including fashion, beauty, self-care, and well-being.
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